Annoying Arabs to Avoid: The Arab Englishman

One type of Arabs is the Arab Englishman, a subspecies observed all over the Middle East and North Africa. The Arab Englishman is not content to be like the rest of his kin, but opts to adopt not only the manners of his British counterpart, but also his language.

The Arab Englishman peppers his speech with English words, and will sometimes be kind enough to form a whole sentence in English. Do not expect the Arab Englishman to be proficient in English (he’s not), but do expect him to correct you when he finds the time from his strenuous duties to mingle with the lesser folks of his country.

The Arab Englishman will tell you that no, he is not full of himself. You envy him, because you exhibit typical Arab behavior, which he is above. Naturally.

This subspecies believes with unrelenting heart that they have been bestowed with a heavenly gift that sets them apart from the rest, and they will attempt to downplay this gift by telling you that there is a lot they still don’t know, using the English language, of course.

The Arab Englishman, contrary to his claims, has only seen England in pictures. He is a strong advocate for women’s right to wear what they want, but will insist on his girlfriend having a short hair cut because, as he will happily explain, it’s “cool”.

This subspecies is mostly concentrated in the Art and Music faculties of every collage; and oddly enough, Arabs who major in English literature do not exhibit the same behavior as the Arab Englishman, and are, in fact, despised by him, for the English of this Arab is superior to the mainstream English of the education system.

He does not know what the word mainstream means.

His English is the English of songs and movies, which he will always remind you, he can watch without subtitles.

He has not for once in his life picked an English novel, least an Arabic one, though you are likely to find in his Facebook page tons of likes for esteemed works such as “The Old Man and the Sea”, “Anna Karenina”, “Hamlet”, and “Twilight”.

The Arab Englishman’s favorite genre of music is Jazz. Jazz is classy and English, like he is. He might occasionally say Rock. Do not ask him why he likes Rock. It just feels right to him. He will sometimes have a picture of Marilyn Monroe in his room, despite never having watched any of her movies.

For this species, the Arabic language is crude, senseless, and devoid of beauty. He will tell you how he better expresses himself in English, and how English helps him express himself better. Similar to the previous sentence, the Arab Englishman tends to rather repeat himself, for lack of an extensive vocabulary, but he will manage to conceal this by exchanging words, and using them in their wrong places, relying on the ignorance of lesser Arabs who are not as proficient in English as he is.

The Arab Englishman’s biggest fear is for his lack of knowledge in the English language to be exposed, since he has built his entire persona around being better than others in this regard, and he will fight tooth and nail not to engage with anyone who actually speaks English, for fear of appearing small.

This is not to say that the Arab Englishman is completely hopeless; he is, in fact, capable of change. Whether by a conspicuous murder attempt on his life, or by accumulating enough English words to alleviate himself to the level of an Arab who happens to speak English.

Words they are likely to use during normal Arabic speech with others: “Shit”, “Excuse me”, “Oh My God!”, “Sorry”, “Cool”, “Fuck”, “Bitch”, “Man”, and the occasional “Welcome”.

Ways to avoid the Arab Englishman primarily consist of not engaging with him in discussions of new songs and movies, for obvious reasons. Some recommend you completely cut off contact with him, and others advice that you ask him for a challenge. I say neither, for the Arab Englishman is not a bad person, but merely misguided and rather pretentious, incompetent, and egoistic. And like he himself would call others he does not like, an Asshole.