Annoying Arabs to Avoid: The Arab Straw-Feminist, The Female Version

The Arab Straw-Feminist is another subspecies that inhabits the Middle East and North Africa, its natural habitat being her room in her parents’ house, and her main source of nourishment is Facebook likes. She is an odd creature, functioning at the most basic level of human intellect, and scientists are still searching the original home of this subspecies, with some suggesting it came from between the pages of a crappy Ahlam Mustaghanmi novel and then spread to the rest of the region.

The men of her country and Arab men at large are the target of her internalized racism, and she does not miss an opportunity to ridicule them and hold them against white cute men in the West as a standard.

The Arab Straw-Feminist is not familiar with feminist theory, nor does she know such esteemed figures like bill hooks, Audre Lord, or Angela Davis. The term Intersectional Feminism is alien to her, and she is not well-acquainted with the feminist scene in the West or elsewhere, instead opting to post quasi-feminist videos removed out of context on her Facebook page, using them to glorify a West she does not know beyond Hollywood movies.

And in the true spirit of straw people, she is out of touch with reality. This manifests itself in her inability to analyze the socio-economic and political reality of the society around her unless she falls back on orientalist stereotypes, since her feminism, like everything else about her intellect, is imported.

And since she has not had one original thought in her life, and does not really understand how feminism works, she attempts to persuade men into her side of the fight by amplifying what true manliness is like, such as saying true men do not hit women, or true men help their female friends and relatives, or true men are those who appreciate women, and the like.

The Arab Straw-Feminist whines all day long about ‘Eastern’ men. This blob of Eastern Men is characterized by inherent backwardness, savagery, lustfulness, and general stupidity. To her, the ‘Eastern Man’ is irredeemable unless he interacts with the ‘developed’ West, and learns from it how to be civilized and love women.

This brings us to the hugely popular category of the ‘Eastern Man’. The Arab Straw-Feminist tends to avoid specifying who this man is exactly, but her audience recognizes she means Arabs, and similar people in surrounding areas.

It is not unusual for this subspecies to adopt a cool behavior in cases of conflict and impending threat from outside ‘Eastern’ forces, such as sexist comments, so she will not be accused of irrationality and emotional outbursts typical of women in her area.

She happily devotes her internet connection to hate on Arab men, and exercise her internalized, unexamined prejudices against them. The Arab Straw-Feminist would also not mind siding with any foreign, developed Western elements against the men of her country, because after all, they need the push.

The pages of the many Arab Straw-Feminists tend to parrot one another, so following only one page is enough to give you an idea of the fast rate at which this subspecies is growing in numbers. Their main defense mechanism is headache-inducing Facebook posts that have proven their effectiveness in rebelling enemies of greater intellect and empathy.

Scientists studying this fascinating phenomena have mapped out the ways in which to avoid the Arab Straw-Feminist:

-Extermination. Cut off her internet connection, though in some circles this method is considered insensitive and socially unacceptable, and could fall into the realm of fighting free speech. Please adopt all levels of precaution before doing this, and think of the poor Arab man who will be accused of this deed and held at trial on charge of his Arabness and Easterness in the courts of the Union of Arab Straw-Feminists.

-Reality Brick on the Head. Bring her to visit America, and find her a job at an abortion clinic working undercover somewhere in the Bible Belt. And while you’re at it, make sure she is subjected to racial profiling, orientalism, sexual harassment, catcalling, and slut-shaming. Last but not least, assign her to write an insider’s report in Arabic about the struggles of black women and other minorities in the frame of white feminism that she so happily adopts, and encourage her to join a support group for liberated American women who had experienced the trauma of rape.

-Books. The easiest and less extreme option is to simply gift her with books dealing with actual feminism, and keep her updated on the most recent news of the many faces of feminism all over the globe.

We would like to assure you that the Arab Straw-Feminist is not evil, she is simply a snob who is misguided, misinformed, and seriously out of the loop. This does not mean that she cannot evolve out of her shell, -despite increasing evidence against this claim- on the contrary, she is definitely capable of learning from her mistakes, though the option of extermination remains preferable in cases of extreme frustration.

Annoying Arabs to Avoid: The Arab Englishman

One type of Arabs is the Arab Englishman, a subspecies observed all over the Middle East and North Africa. The Arab Englishman is not content to be like the rest of his kin, but opts to adopt not only the manners of his British counterpart, but also his language.

The Arab Englishman peppers his speech with English words, and will sometimes be kind enough to form a whole sentence in English. Do not expect the Arab Englishman to be proficient in English (he’s not), but do expect him to correct you when he finds the time from his strenuous duties to mingle with the lesser folks of his country.

The Arab Englishman will tell you that no, he is not full of himself. You envy him, because you exhibit typical Arab behavior, which he is above. Naturally.

This subspecies believes with unrelenting heart that they have been bestowed with a heavenly gift that sets them apart from the rest, and they will attempt to downplay this gift by telling you that there is a lot they still don’t know, using the English language, of course.

The Arab Englishman, contrary to his claims, has only seen England in pictures. He is a strong advocate for women’s right to wear what they want, but will insist on his girlfriend having a short hair cut because, as he will happily explain, it’s “cool”.

This subspecies is mostly concentrated in the Art and Music faculties of every collage; and oddly enough, Arabs who major in English literature do not exhibit the same behavior as the Arab Englishman, and are, in fact, despised by him, for the English of this Arab is superior to the mainstream English of the education system.

He does not know what the word mainstream means.

His English is the English of songs and movies, which he will always remind you, he can watch without subtitles.

He has not for once in his life picked an English novel, least an Arabic one, though you are likely to find in his Facebook page tons of likes for esteemed works such as “The Old Man and the Sea”, “Anna Karenina”, “Hamlet”, and “Twilight”.

The Arab Englishman’s favorite genre of music is Jazz. Jazz is classy and English, like he is. He might occasionally say Rock. Do not ask him why he likes Rock. It just feels right to him. He will sometimes have a picture of Marilyn Monroe in his room, despite never having watched any of her movies.

For this species, the Arabic language is crude, senseless, and devoid of beauty. He will tell you how he better expresses himself in English, and how English helps him express himself better. Similar to the previous sentence, the Arab Englishman tends to rather repeat himself, for lack of an extensive vocabulary, but he will manage to conceal this by exchanging words, and using them in their wrong places, relying on the ignorance of lesser Arabs who are not as proficient in English as he is.

The Arab Englishman’s biggest fear is for his lack of knowledge in the English language to be exposed, since he has built his entire persona around being better than others in this regard, and he will fight tooth and nail not to engage with anyone who actually speaks English, for fear of appearing small.

This is not to say that the Arab Englishman is completely hopeless; he is, in fact, capable of change. Whether by a conspicuous murder attempt on his life, or by accumulating enough English words to alleviate himself to the level of an Arab who happens to speak English.

Words they are likely to use during normal Arabic speech with others: “Shit”, “Excuse me”, “Oh My God!”, “Sorry”, “Cool”, “Fuck”, “Bitch”, “Man”, and the occasional “Welcome”.

Ways to avoid the Arab Englishman primarily consist of not engaging with him in discussions of new songs and movies, for obvious reasons. Some recommend you completely cut off contact with him, and others advice that you ask him for a challenge. I say neither, for the Arab Englishman is not a bad person, but merely misguided and rather pretentious, incompetent, and egoistic. And like he himself would call others he does not like, an Asshole.